On Michele Bachmann and Justin Bieber: Pan, meet Flash.

Over the years, I’ve had to make peace with Michele “Hot for God” Bachmann. It hasn’t been easy.  Back when she was spreading her own little vitriolic brand of HateMongeringCrazyTalk ™ at the State Capitol (when, she was convinced, for example, that “the lesbians are out to get me”, and then she did a little reconnaissance mission spying on a pro-gay-marriage rally by hiding in the bushes and playing peek-a-boo with the gays) (um….Michele…..metaphor much?). Anyway. And now, for some bizarre reason, the 6th district sent her to Washington for the sole purpose of utterly ignoring her both constituents and her job so she can spread her HateMongeringCrazyTalk to a nationwide audience.

All with a little (R-MN) under her name, thus sullying the fair name of my great State, and I for one have been SICK OF IT.

Here’s a little taste of what we’ve been suffering from, straight from the mouth of Michele “Not All Cultures Are Created Equal” Bachmann herself:

On the problem of THE GAYZ IN THE SCHOOLZ, she said: “This is a very serious matter, because it is our children who are the prize for this community, they are specifically targeting our children.” — Senator Michele Bachmann, appearing as guest on radio program “Prophetic Views Behind The News”, hosted by Jan Markell, KKMS 980-AM, March 20, 2004.

“And what a bizarre time we’re in, Jan, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.” — Senator Michele Bachmann, appearing as guest on radio program “Prophetic Views Behind The News”, hosted by Jan Markell, KKMS 980-AM, March 6, 2004.

And on Americorps, she said: “It’s under the guise of — quote — volunteerism. But it’s not volunteers at all. It’s paying people to do work on behalf of government…. I believe that there is a very strong chance that we will see that young people will be put into mandatory service. And the real concerns is that there are provisions for what I would call re-education camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go to work in some of these politically correct forums.” – The MN Independent, 4/6/09

“If you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. It is personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement.” — Senator Michele Bachmann, speaking at EdWatch National Education Conference, November 6, 2004.

And then on Global climate change: “Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” –Rep. Michelle Bachmann, April, 2009

It’s enough to make a girl want to set her hair on fire.

And now, with the rumblings of presidential inclinations, I’ve had to force myself to make peace. Because I was getting ulcers. Because I was waking up at night. Because the thought – the possibility – of a person that crazy being anywhere near the White House makes me so terrified that I’m willing to sign my family up for the first wave of colonists on Mars. Hell, I’ll help them build the colony.

Now, I meditate. I have found calm. I have made peace.  I have mantras. “Donotlookaththecrazydonotlookatthecrazy” is one that works pretty well.  “Fighthatewithlove” is another. And that’s an important part. The list of people that Michele Bachmann hates? Well it’s long. She hates gay people, that’s pretty clear. She hates Muslim people. She hates Democrats. She really hates Barack Obama (“The first post-American president”? Really, Michele? Really?) She hates women’s clinics. She hates children, and apparently doesn’t want them to get health insurance. And she really, really, really hates poor people.

So I just need to love all of those people more.

And so do you.

Because when you love someone, when you really, really, really love them, you fight like hell to protect them. Ask a parent. We know.

But I’ve gotten off track. The reason why I’m writing this at all is because of Time Magazine’s recent list of the top 100 supposedly influential people – a list that included Michele “Cukoobananas” Bachman.

Really, Time? The Representative that has used her position to grandstand and media-whore instead of actually representing? That’s influence? The Rep who was shut out by her party’s own leadership? That’s influence? The Rep whose main legislative contributions includes limits on the individual’s right to sue a business that has harmed them and a guarantee that people can still purchase wrinkles-hiding incandescent light bulbs? The supposed “public servant” who has said publicly that global climate change is a hoax?

And so I sank into despair.

But then!

I read the rest of the list! And hope bubbled forth like a spring!  I saw that beautiful, magnificent, flash-in-the-pan name. The Already-Irrelevent-and-even-my-behind-the-curve-tween-daughters-know-that-his-star-has-dimmed-fizzled-and-fallen, Justin Bieber.

Justin “Please-Still-Love-Me-And-By-The-Way-I-Now-Have-My-Own-Line-Of-Nail-Polish” Bieber.

Justin “Kelly-Barnhill’s-Kids-Think-I-Have-Rabies” Bieber.

Justin Bieber Nail Polish Fashion Line

If that kid is on the list…….well, that changes everything.

And then I remembered: Space Junk.

When it hits the atmosphere, it flashes, ignites and burns. It casts a brilliant streak across the night sky. On the ground, we crane our heads and smile. We hold our children to the light and point our fingers to the heavens.

And then it is gone.

All that remains: cinders, ash, vapor, air.

And that’s what you are, Michele “I hate gay people” Bachmann. Go ahead and cast your short-lived-light upon the crazy hate-mongers of the world. We all know that the time is short. We all know that irrelevancy looms – and gets closer by the day – and that while you may get open-mouthed stares for now, that at the heart of it, your words are junk, and will reveal themselves as cinders, ash, dust, and will be gone.

And I, for one, can’t wait.

Farewell, Michele! Have fun on the way down!

8 thoughts on “On Michele Bachmann and Justin Bieber: Pan, meet Flash.

    • The internet is like a gigantic kindred-spirit-matchmaking service. Also, what brings people together more quickly than a mutual dislike of public officials? Hell, that's how I met my husband, oh so many years ago (and that's why, incidentally, I send thank you notes to Norm Coleman on the anniversary of our first kiss).

      NOTE: I don't actually do this, but now I think that I should.

  1. I found this post far too ambiguous. Try as I might, I remain unclear on your position regarding Michele “I Hate Gays” Bachman. ; )

    P.S. The guy in the office next to me has a signed photo of him and her. I have to laugh every time I go in there. (Or cry.)

  2. Michele Bachmann R-Minn. said this weekend that she wants residents of her state armed and dangerous over President Barack Obamas plan to reduce global warming because we need to fight back. ..Asked about the White House-backed cap-and-trade proposal to reduce carbon emissions Bachmann told WWTC 1280 AM I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back. I try to let everyone back here in Minnesota know exactly the nefarious activities that are taking place in Washington. ..The comments have been picked up by local blogs and …Bachmann has against President Obama before saying that the Republican party needs to do everything we can to thwart the Democrats at every turn to make sure that they arent able to for all time secure a power base that for all time can never be defeated. ..Listen ..

  3. Pingback: Balloon Juice » Bachmann: 10 Crazy Quotes from the Clown Car

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