Dear Sir (in the Speedo):

Sunbathing, while a worthwhile and noble endeavor, is not a thing that one typically does in Minnesota in April. Perhaps this is news to you, and perhaps you are a recent transplant from a land far, far away. Like Mars, for example. Should that be the case, let me get you up to speed. For example: Sunbathing? April? Minnesota? Not so much.

Moreover, it is not a thing that one typically does when the temperatures hover in the fifties.

And on that note, sunbathing is also an occupation that one does while laying next to a still-frozen lake.

But mostly, my dear, dear Sir, I must emphatically protest your choice of attire. Speedos, as a general rule, do not go over well around here during the summer, but in April, when the flesh is pasty and the light is unbroken by our un-leafed trees, a Speedo is an outright assault on the eye.

Please cover up.

Yours very sincerely,

Kelly Barnhill

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